Why does this Grandma use the terms “rules and Regulations” and for “in-law parents”?
If you, the reader, are asking, then you are new to my blog.
RULE NUMBER ONE
The parents are the gatekeepers of our precious grandchildren. All of us grandparents want the gates wide open, so we must honor and respect the gatekeepers, and do as they wish, as they are in complete control.
That is the subject of the question posed by a mother-to-be about her in-laws and the answer by Carolyn Hax, in the Washington Post, September 23, 2023. “Carolyn Hax: Baby’s due, and in-laws are pushing to book flights for their visit.”
Carolyn Hax also brings up other major issues for new grandparents in this column that this Grandma has addressed since the inception of this blog on grandma lessons. All of Carolyn Hax’s advice is very sound. In this blog post, the issues raised in the column are listed, and links to blog posts on the issues are provided.
You can read Carolyn Hax’s column even if you are not a subscriber of the Washington Post at this link:
So, to preserve access to our precious grandchildren always, remember that the parents are the gatekeepers of our precious grandchildren. We want the gates wide open, so we must honor and respect the gatekeepers, and do as they wish, as they are in complete control.
See blog post:
RULE NUMBER TWO
In Carolyn Hax’s column, the in-law grandparents seem to minimize the expectant mother’s concerns about anticipation, protectiveness over and care of the first baby . . . .
and this Grandma has a lot of experience to recognize this. Respect that parents of a first child are going to be…. parents for the first time. A mantra I have is that we grandparents always love the first grandchild the LONGEST. The first and every other grandchild will inquire if we love the first the most so we must have the answer ready and it is really the answer as we love each grandchild. Understand and acknowledge that the first grandchild is different and special to everyone in the family.
First time parents will be anxious and sensitive to any and all comments, however well meaning the intention, and accept this without comment.
The parents of our grandchildren love each of their children, but because the first is different, they are different as first parents. Overly protective. Overly concerned. Overly scared. We have to understand that the first baby may be a month old before we can hold him or her. The second baby and beyond will be thrown in our arms much sooner without even sanitizing our entire body! Understand and acknowledge that the first baby will be coddled, sanitize without comment and even wear whatever coverings the parents require, and accept this without comment.
RULE NUMBER THREE:
The expectant mother in Carolyn Hax’s column wants her mother at the birth and helping when the first baby is a newborn. The in-law parents are pressuring her to be present as soon as the baby is born.
Being an in-law parent is different than the parent. Being the parents of the mother is different than being parents of the father. My mother-in-law was the best. See blog post:
Mother-in Law Day is for Mother in law to be Deserving of the Honor of Having a Day Named After Her
RULE NUMBER FOUR:
Always go to the parent of the grandchild who is your child.
The expectant father in Carolyn Hax’s column has dealt with his parents during the marriage and has agreed to help with the issue of their involvement with the newborn, the first baby. Carolyn Hax recommends that he deal with his parents forever.
Carolyn Hax says that the mother-to-be should ask her husband to deal with his parents about issues forever more. Grandparents who follow this rule would not have the problem in the issue above.
There are several blog posts on how and why to do this. Here is the most recent.
RULE NUMBER FIVE FOR ALL GRANDPARENTS:
Relax and remember grandparenting is all joy and no responsibility. The grandchildren will grow up fine despite their parents. After all our children survived us. Keep your mouth closed and pocketbook …. and time …. open. See blog post above on mother-in-laws for more on this rule.
Before you get angry at this last sentence, let me give some examples, in addition to the blog posts in my blog. You are worried about something about your grandchild that you think the parents are not taking as seriously as you would.
If it is not providing something you think your grandchild should have, and it is important to you, offer TO THE PARENT WHO IS YOUR CHILD to give time or money or gift it.
Whatever is your thing, small gifts at times not traditional such as birthdays, give to each parent, even if previously you only gave to your child. Treat all equally. If you did not do this, think about adding it to your repertoire of showing you care and think of the in law parent of your grandchildren and all of you grandchildren.
Another example is grandpa needing grandma lessons. See blog post:
Congratulations on the birth of your first grandchild. It is a life changing experience like no other in your entire life – why? It is all joy and no responsibility, the mantra of this blog.
Now, the hard part. There are rules to keep it all joy. If you follow them, grandparenting is a breeze. No, you do not have control and do not try to control. A dear in-law grandma friend of mine has religiously followed all my proposed rules and she is the go to grandma for everything, invited first to join vacations, travel, and more. Don’t you want to be the go to grandparents for everything?
Relax, ENJOY, take a deep breathe, and dive in with
Joy,
Mema
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